On Friday, there was an incident at work, a bad one that affected the entire company and operations. It was bad. So I went into my coping mode. To everyone that walked pass my desk or made small talk with me, I said stuff like “what a wonderful Friday”, “what a brilliant day”. This is from someone that rarely talks to anyone might I add. And then I started getting comments like, it’s great to have someone so positive, or you have a very good attitude.
It’s called sarcasm you dumbasses. No I am not happy or looking at things optimistically. I don’t know if it’s because of the Chinese speaking culture there things are lost in translation. But jeez. I want to say it’s like working with Chimps, but I think working with Chimps would probably be more fun.
There’s this dress right, I have been walking past it for weeks. It’s a simple black dress with small scattered hearts printed. Very simple, I figured I could pull it off, it was just a matter of me affording it. So today, as I passed it, I thought, I’m going to get it. I tried it on. Simple dress in a flattering cut and it didn’t look right. Sighs.
I am so jealous of those girls that can just buy stuff without trying it on. Or those that can shop in most stores and not worry about whether they carry stuff up to your size. Fat girl problems. What you going to do. So hard to find a pair of tights that fit comfortably. Cause you know, fat people don’t need to exercise.
So after a crappy couple of weeks, I woke up this morning with a giant red zit on my face. That’s why Rudolph is a little shaken these days. Cause he has competition. Seriously who said skin/acne gets better after your teens? I never had problems then but life is making up for it now. Because looks wise I have everything else going for me, right?
My life has hit the stagnant point once again. Work wise things are actually not too bad. Except my back-up/buddy at work. She’s become extra weird. 1 minute she’s being all chummy, the next she gives me a cold shoulder. She says the weirdest things and is a huge busybody. She also “remembers” things wrong and spreads them around to other people. Like seriously, the other day she casually mentioned (about organising a team lunch) that we better not pick a Chinese restaurant cause it will be difficult for me being halal on all. I didn’t bother correcting her that I am not Muslim. Or to reinforce my love for bacon and wine to her. A love so pure doesn’t require any explanation. I so wish I had a glass (read: bottle) of wine now.
Anyway, I was always prepared for this year to be a little lonelier with my sister and cousin out of the country. And as time goes on, I do get more used to it. But those loneliness pangs, when they do come around seem to get stronger. I am still trying to work on those. When I get those pangs, my attention sometimes turns to dating apps. I think maybe this time the pool of people on it will be different. But thankfully my brain quashes that thought immediately. I heard about an app for you to make friends, just friends. Decided to try that out and guess what, not enough people on that app here. I am on a tiny tropical island with just under 6 million people. Where all the lonely people at?
I have been home sick since Thursday. I basically got a really high fever which the doctors can’t properly diagnose without more tests. Anyways my point it, I am sure all of you have see this thingy below right?
Anyway on Thursday, I was all like, I am going to get over not having someone to fuss over me by fussing over myself. Cause I am all self-sufficient and shit. But then when you are sick, you realise you don’t really have the energy to do it. And now I am sitting here wishing Ben & Jerry’s delivers. I really want ice cream.
So I was out for a jog. Not sure if I was supposed to, I am sick, doctor said it’s likely Rhinitis not the common cold cause I have had it for about 2 week now. Not sure what Rhinitis is. But the all those runner HFs (health freaks – you need to know that abbreviation if we’re going to be friends :p), normally run off a cold/sickness right?
Anyway, as I was jogging (at night), I hit a path that was dimly lit. Very dimly lit. And with sweat in my eyes and wearing an old pair of glasses that aren’t the clearest, I made out a figure in the distance on the path. It looked like a cat, a black cat. Not your house variety, more like a panther. And for a second, though logically I knew there’s no way that would be a wild animal, I thought there was a large wild feline in my neighborhood. Turns out it was just a usual HF doing some strength training and had his body contorted in a funny position. Why in the mild of a dark path, I don’t know. As I got nearer, he moved to doing side planks, effortlessly. And there I was huffing and puffing past him. I can barely hold or regular plank for 30 secs, I struggle to lift my ass up in side planks.
To be honest, if it ever came down to it, between a large wild black panther and one of those #runningislife #cleaneating pretentious hipsters, I think I’ll take my chances with the panther.
So I went shopping for jogging shoes/joggers/trainers, whatever you call them. And these days there are so many bloody choices, it’s confusing, I needed help. I asked store assistants for help. But I didn’t get any! I am not sure if it’s because I look like I wasn’t going to buy anything or if it’s the fatness that kept the assistants away but it was so annoying. Store after store, no one bothered with me. Even when I asked. Just ridiculous. I finally managed to find a store assistant that was willing to help and managed to get a pair but today is just a reminder of the troubles with being fat.
The other thing that annoys me is that sizes gym clothes rarely so up to large sizes. Most items are small or medium. Like hello, what are fat people supposed to wear when the exercise? Tents? My dress size is a UK 16/18, which is like a US 12/14. I don’t think that’s a very uncommon size, why do things only go up to a UK 10 or 12?
You know the song You’re a God by Vertical Horizon? If you don’t I’ve added the clip below. The weird music video doesn’t do the song justice.
Anyway, I was listening to the song and while the lyrics allude to the singer singing about a romantic relationship, I realise it can be applied to so many people around. Doesn’t it feel like it sometimes, in a world filled with superiority complexes and self adulation, that you’re walking around a world of Gods?
And among these Gods, there’s me. And incredibly flawed human with good intentions. A mere mortal, navigating life, at times failing and having to pick herself up, and hoping to connect with other fellow humans. It’s intimidating, this world of Gods.
It’s an interesting conundrum. Being very introverted and lonely. As I have said time and again in my posts, I know that I need to go make new friends. And I genuinely want to do that, go out and connect with people. Like seriously form strong connections/friendships. But the in order to do that, I need to go out and hang out with people. People that I don’t know. Which I truly do not enjoy. Socialising face to face with groups of people, I am bad that. I live too much in my own head that I am socially awkward around people. Plus I find it so draining. Trust me, I have tried, I go for networking events with my various alumnis, I try to be involved with friends social engagements, etc. I even tried talking to people when travelling alone.
Basically I don’t want to feel lonely but I like being left alone. So how do you make new friends when you really don’t like being around strangers? Anyone else have this problem?