Hope hurt

I wrote the following a long long time ago, when I was younger, more naive and less cynical. Tonight, laying in the dark, emoing, I came across this old post and felt like reposting it. Remembering the night I wrote it. I am even more cynical, and lonelier now, but well, some things never change.

She always realised it was never meant to be. She knew the right thing to have done was to have walked away from the start. But she couldn’t ignore it. The heart wants what the heart wants right? So for once she took the risk of putting her heart before her head. And it felt good. The nagging impracticality of the situation never left her though. She tried to shake it off but couldn’t. She proceeded cautiously and wondered if she could get rid of the way she felt. After all she was an expert at burying her feelings, deep, deep down where no one could see them. This time she failed, something had a hold on her, something she couldn’t rationalise like she usually could.

It might have seemed ignorant, naive or blindly optimistic, but to her it was just a faith, that having hope, pays out. She just wanted to have one thing to hold on to that made her feel happy and alive. One thing that the universe unexpectedly sent her way, that made her actually smile.

That night as the realisation set in that she should have listened to her head and never let her heart take over, she felt lonelier than ever. Why did she take a chance this time, after years of playing it safe? She should have known better than to follow her heart. People like her would just never be lucky enough to ever do that with everything working out in the end. Life always seemed to be playing cruel jokes on her. There was a reason why she was a pessimist, what made her stop being one now? What was she thinking? How could she think this time it would be different? She tried to tell herself, it’s okay. She could learn from this and move on. But trying to see the silver lining was little comfort. It didn’t make her feel any better, it didn’t make the hurt go away.

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