August is normally a happy month for me. It normally feels festive with National Day at the beginning of the month (though I am no longer very patriotic) and then my birthday at the end of the month. Just the fact that it was my birthday month usually keeps me pretty upbeat. And because my birthday is actually only in late August the feeling lasts till about the 1st week of September.
This year pretty much keeping in the theme of the rest of the year, August hasn’t been great. Firstly it started with me having terrible flu. And then there was National day. It fell on a Saturday, which mean I don’t really get a holiday because Saturdays are technically working days for me. Guess what? I had to work on National Day. It was only for a couple of hours but still. Why would you make me do something on a Public holiday. Most of the country will now be enjoying a holiday in lieu of national day being on a Saturday but not me. I am at work. Forget long weekend, I barely had a regular 2 day weekend.
There’s also my grandmother being in hospital. Normally if we take her to hospital they diagnose what’s wrong, she gets better and in about 2-3 days she’s home. This time, she’s been there about 3 weeks now. Basically the whole of August. The doctors can’t really tell what’s wrong with her, being in the final stages of Alzheimer’s, can’t communicate what she’s feeling. They suspect she had a minor stroke but they don’t know why she keeps getting a fever and is bleeding internally. At this stage we all just want her to stop suffering. As cruel as it sounds, it might be better if she stopped fighting and just passed on. But my grandmother has never been one to give up, so only god knows what will happen.
Which pretty much sums up my attitude towards life at the moment. God knows what will happen, I have given up on living, I am just basically existing.