Here is my list of realisations at the top of my head today.

  • I need a job. This is not a new or surprising realisation. The whole world knows this by now. But even temp jobs I am applying for aren’t calling me back. What am I doing wrong? Recruiters, HR/Talent acquisition people I know are saying my resume/applications look fine. So what the hell is the problem? Someone give me a job already! I cannot take it staying at home anymore. I am grateful I have a roof over my head and love my parents, but too much of anything can kind of drive you crazy, I am starting to hit a really scary place.
  • Relating to the point above, I am a patient person and lately my patience or tolerance level has actually improved. Now this might seem like a good thing, but I realised that I have internalised things and tried to always stay composed that I think I am going to explode soon. Maybe not so soon but a melt down is coming, I can feel it. I will worry about it when it happens though. For now I am going to use this almost Zen/patient state that I have achieved, to explore the idea of fulfilling my dad’s unfulfilled dream. Climbing some remote mountain, find a spot, and living life meditating, away from modern civilisation. I mean lets face it, I have had enough of well, life at this stage.
  • I am a sucker. I think I have too much faith in other people. I tell myself that I get disappointed with others because I let them and I need to stop that. As it was pointed out to me by a faraway friend, I seem to fall for words. Is it really that naive though to hold people to what they say? I mean why would anyone say something they don’t mean? No matter how many times someone disappoints me (or breaks my heart to be a bit dramatic) I still don’t lose faith in them. Hence I am a sucker. I know as a pessimist and this goes against that but I don’t know, when it comes to people I always give them the benefit of the doubt. All the time. I’m a mess, I know.
  • Another thing that constantly lets me down is the damn weather forecast here. We were supposed to have thunderstorms however it hasn’t. I am sitting here feeling myself cook in this humidity. It’s hot, sticky and hazy. I need to get out of this climate asap, it’s not going to happen though. Unless as previously mentioned I find some remote mountain to climb and immigration officers can’t locate me in order to kick me out of their country.
  • I could use alcohol right now. I don’t care that it’s 4pm in the afternoon and that it’s 33 degrees (Celsius) outside. Am I turning into an alc-ie? Good thing I can’t afford any I guess.

2 thoughts on “Realisations

  1. I’m not normally a hugger, but can I give an Internet hug? I’m in the same boat as you, and though depression hasn’t sunk in yet, I can feel it encroaching. Let’s commiserate together. *clinks virtual alcoholic drink* Deep down though, there is a sliver of hope in me that this will all come to an end and I’ll be on track soon. Are there any hobbies you can pursue? Don’t give up! ^^

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