It’s been a while. A long while actually and don’t have a good excuse. I have been hit by blog inspiration many times but just never got around to doing writing anything. Losing motivation, in all aspects in life actually.
Well works gone crap. It used to be just crap as in the workload but now there’s been some political plays, which I am not happy about. And I have gotten a little more assertive at work and people are view it as push back I think. I can’t just go on letting people mistake my quiet, go with the flow attitude as weakness. They made the mistake, they suffer the consequences.
Well the good news is, I found a new show I am hooked onto. Sherlock. Yes I know I am late to the party, but jeez it’s amazing. Any other Sherlock fans out there? Okay so that’s not really good news, given that I am super busy with work and can’t afford to be binging on a new show right now.
Lastly my fat girl gripe at the moment. I feel like as a fatty, there’s a different set of rules for me when it comes to dressing. So on Friday, I wore a long/maxi dress to work. First one I have owned and I felt pretty in it. But I got a lot of comments about how “sexy” the dress was. Not sure that’s appropriate, but let me clarify here, it was a dress that covered me from my neck to the floor. It had a slit on the side, up to my knee. My knee. There are girls that run around the office in skirts/dresses that barely cover their butt. It’s like I am not allowed to show skin. Oh well, fat girl problems.
I was talking to a friend when I heard myself saying, “I didn’t choose the single life, the single life chose me”. I suppose that’s the thing people don’t fully understand when they talk to me about my love life. I started this blog because I got kind of bored of not having anyone to share the singledom with. 4 years later, I am still in the same boat. No I am not surprised that I am still single (going with the overqualified argument, cause why the hell not?), but surprised I have made a couple more friends that are single. In 4 years people. It’s a little scary to thing there has been no activity in that part of my life for four freaking years. And yes I have tried online dating, in case you were wondering.
Don’t get me wrong, I am quite settled in my chronic singleness. I have the nights though (usually coincides with PMS) where the loneliness descends on you like a bitch. I was trying to think of a better simile there for descent, but couldn’t so went with bitch. Not my best work I know but all my energy has been sapped out from the work week so please excuse the lack of creativity.
And oh yes, since if has been 4 years since my post, I think it’s only right that I move myself up the scale, from endangered to critically endangered. Sounds about right. Next stage is extinct in the wild. I suppose that will be the cat lady stage when I get sick of everyone and everything and become a social recluse. I’m on my way there anyway, just minus the cats.
Work – Work is quite bad, just because it’s piling up. And one of my fellow project mangers has quit and now I am babysitting some of her accounts as well. I’m stress eating and not exercising cause I am ending work late. My family isn’t helping either, just keep pointing out that I am fatter. I thought the point of family was to notice when you under pressure/stress. But nah, mostly it’s just to point out your weight issues, especially my sister. And I am going to so see her in like 3 weeks, when I am probably going to be PMSing. Good luck to me (and her).
Swimwear – Speaking of fat people problems, I need new swimwear. Of course being a fat person in Singapore, I have limited clothing options, let also swimwear. I went online and found the prettiest swimsuit ever. Fairly affordable too. But I’ll never actually wear it. Here’s the link in case anyone else is swimwear shopping and has the body confidence to wear it. Oh and there’s this one that I might actually wear but can’t afford.
Random people – As much as I don’t like socialising, I have to admit that sometimes random strangers make your day better. Like that dude I saw who was picking up snails off the trail away from the crushing feet of joggers and placing them back in the grass. Or the man at Marks & Spencer yesterday. I was waiting for my mom to pay for some stuff and was standing in the men’s shirts section. This older man was also there browsing shirts waiting for his wife. If you’ve been shopping with me, you’ll know that I can’t help but touch/feel clothes made of fabrics that look soft and satiny. So I was there, feeling this shirt which was made out of super soft cotton. And this guy, who I guess was bored, casually asked, “getting a gift?”. I don’t know why it came out the way it did, it was quite involuntary, but I told him I had no one to buy a men’s shirt for, with a huge despondent sigh. And he tried to cheer me up. This old British man who didn’t know me. I normally walk around with an attitude that the world is full of idiots. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it is, maybe just a little less than I have estimated in the past.
Based on that annual leave and money that I have, I have decided that I can afford to travel in January for about 10-ish days. It would the perfect time to use up any balance leave from this year. And now there are a lot of sale airfares to different destinations, lot of which I want to visit. But here’s the thing, I am not brave enough to travel to these places alone. And no surprises I have no one to go with. I have asked people but people either haven’t taken me seriously or just cannot care. The latter mostly because for them, they travel with their partners. For single with a lack of other single friends, there isn’t much choice but when looking at travel, always assessing the possibility of exploring alone.
I was looking at maybe visiting a cousin of my who’s in Guatemala, but the travel time/route/fare is just too much for a 2 week trip. If I am ever going to travel over 30 hours somewhere I would like to spend at least 3 weeks to a month there. So now I am trying to tell myself that I can travel to other places alone. But so far I haven’t convinced myself.
Have you read this post of mine, abut falling in love? Well the other day, after a long stint being away from my love, we were reunited. And that moment, where we had that initial contact, where my lips parted ever so slightly and let myself be consumed by the euphoria, or retrouvailles (pardon my French, literally :D), a colleague of mine was with me. By the way, if you haven’t figured it out, I am talking about coffee.
I was off caffeine for like a week, and then on a Friday afternoon decided to get a cup. The first sip, transported me to a totally different state of mind. I am not even exaggerating, my mood instantly got better, I felt my motivation return and I was just happy. But when I told me colleague that she said I was being too dramatic. People just don’t understand our love.
It made me think though, is it possible for me to ever find a man who I will love more than coffee. Yes, I know given my life and history, the question really should be is it ever possible for me to find a man, the end. But indulge me okay? The thought popped into my head. Would be hard to find someone that makes me as happy a coffee. That’s probably when I know I am really screwed (or “in love” if you want to call it that) I guess – the day I realise I am willing to re-prioritise or give up coffee for a guy. That’s how I’ll know he is the one.
Then again, maybe I just have an addiction to caffeine. I mean after all these years of filling my dark empty heart with the dark liquid elixir, I am bound to have developed a bond with it. Both mentally and physically. Oh well, I don’t know if I’ll ever find a man, but at least I have coffee.
Lets talk about help shall we? Both giving an receiving. Though my recent revelation is more about giving help then receiving it.
Here’s the thing about me and accepting help. I hate to feel like an imposition. Like I really hate that feeling to an unnatural degree. So when I need something done, I try and explore all avenues of doing it myself before reaching out. The only people I do ask with probably little or no hesitation – my parents. Cause I am a brat and take them for granted. Don’t take that too literally okay? I do try to be a good daughter. Though if you ask them I might not be doing a good job.
So here’s the thing about helping people. Lately I have noticed that you try and do a good thing. But somehow it always comes back to bite you in the arse. Whether in a work setting or in your day to day life. I gave one my client’s information that I am not obligated to in any way or form. Not something expected, within my scope or anything. I just thought it will make her life easier. She ended up scolding me, saying I should have given that information earlier. I don’t know why I bother sometimes, and with some people. A lot of the times I just ended up feel unappreciated and stupid, and wondering why I bothered in the first place.
But I will continue on in with doing what I do. I have faith that whether unappreciated or stupid, they will have a positive impact in some tiny shape or form.
No one wants my bagels. No not a euphemism. Though, even if it was, well, no one wants my bagels. That’s how my life goes. Literally or metaphorically, no takers. I made yummy blueberry bagel, which I think I’ll be sick of by the end of the week. I get all excited cooking or baking, but afterwards when I have no one to share it with my happiness is short-lived. So I post pictures on social media for some superficial sharing.
So yes, I haven’t blogged in a month. Nope life hasn’t gotten more exciting, I am just losing my motivation, as I have mentioned before. It’s funny it’s like the less outlets/people I have to share stuff with, the more I retreat into my head. I don’t think that’s very healthy but oh well, what to do?
Another thing I was thinking about today after a recent conversation, men. Why do they like to lie, cheat or disappear in an attempt to spare your feelings when it comes to bad situations? For example like why disappear on someone when you decide you don’t want to pursue a relationship with them? Are men these days really that cowardly or just plain stupid? I don’t get it.
By the way anyone know any sites I might be able to find affordable swimwear fit for fat people, i.e. me (UK size 16-18)? I need new ones and I found one I really like on Torrid but I can’t afford it.
Saw this in my drafts. Not sure why I didn’t post this earlier…
I spent just over a week navigating and travelling Japan alone. You know all the articles (like this one) about how solo travel is empowering or life changing? Yeah….No. I didn’t get any of that. Maybe cause I am older (most of the article authors sound really young), or used to being on my own, or that I didn’t backpack across rural Asia/Africa. I didn’t feel any of that crap. I just felt like I was travelling. Maybe I am anti-social by nature, but unlike in the aforementioned articles, I didn’t make new friends either. In fact I didn’t really seen many solo travellers and the few I met weren’t very friendly.
I even had a mini melt-down one night when I reality kind of slapped in my face. It dawned on me that this is how my life is going to be, eating, sleeping, getting lost by myself. No one to share my experiences with. Just me. Though I always knew/know that, it just felt extremely sobering. But that was just 1 part of 1 night. Barring that it was actually pretty nice to be travelling on my own. No one to answer to. Own time, own target. If I wanted to sleep in I could, if I wanted to wake up early I could. I could have lunch at 3pm and just a matcha latte for dinner (yes I actually did that). It was good. It was a little daunting on the first day, especially since I didn’t speak the language but I managed.
At the end of the day, did it feel lonely travelling alone with no one to talk to? Yes, incredibly at times. Would I do it again? I’d leave tonight if I could.
When you’re entering your 30s as a fatty but trying to stay healthy by working out consistently, one thing becomes clear – Pushing yourself when exercising, whether or not it makes you fitter or healthier or happier, it gives you the ability to pull muscles you never knew you could. And usually by doing the simplest of things. FML.