Yesterday was a terrible day at work but my night ended with sashimi, matcha and great company. So going to take it as a good day overall.
This morning my bus is late, stuff at work has already started to go wrong. Damn work WhatsApp groups. They shouldn’t allow work related groups. Going to hold out for something good to happen by tonight though.
You know how every night you lay in bed mulling over different thoughts? Can’t be just me that does that. Well tonight it’s, “I am so awesome, how am I still single? Screw you men of the world”. That’s for straight men. If you’re not straight, we’re cool. :D
I have not, in my adult life, been disillusioned about the presence of racial politics and racism in this country of mine, especially as a minority, though we are said to be a harmonious bunch where everything is based on merit first. But I have to say in my current company I am feeling it more than ever. Today my colleagues were discussing clients. And 2 of them agreed, one particular client was the most difficult to work with. And you know why? Because the manager there is Indian. Chinese would never be that bad, according to them. I was sitting right there. What the fucking hell? They did discuss this in mandarin which they should know by now I understand. That’s another thing that irks me, how much Chinese they use in the office. It’s like something happened and I woke up in China.
Anyway the best part today, I was called very “un-Singaporean”. Over lunch, a few of us were talking and a couple of them kept using Hokkien (another Chinese dialect – this one I don’t understand) phrases. When I told them to speak in English, one of them was like, “you mean you don’t understand this? That’s very un-singaporean of you”. At that point I really wanted to throw some Tamil words at her and ask her if is makes her any less Singaporean because she doesn’t understand it, but my noodles tasted too good so I decided to focus on the eating part.
This lady has also once, in my first or second week, after saying something racially offensive, stood up and told me, “I’m not racist okay, I have a lot of Malay and Indian friends”. Here’s a heads up for anyone reading this, using such a disclaimer doesn’t make you a non-racist. It just makes you are racist with a lot of malay/indian/any other minority group friends. Which probably makes you worse, because you are a racist hypocrite.
My mind at any one time is full of crazy questions. I always have the weirdest questions about everything and anything. Today in the middle of work I was hit by the mother of all questions – What the hell am I doing with my life? I think I posed it to my cousin too randomly in the middle of the day. I don’t have too much stability in my life at the moment if that makes sense. I can elaborate but I am too lazy to now. That’s what I have done with my life I think, become a fat, lazy, directionless/clueless oddity of a human being.
Until things look up though, I am going to try and remember to do the following.
Yup it’s another post, within the day. My mood for the day can be kind of represented by this song. I like this song, it’s positive yet emo yet r&b-ish. It’s nice.
In other news, I did a little experiment today. I decided to leave my phone at home when I went out for the afternoon. No one really messages me one weekends anyway, I thought. When I came home, guess what, I had messages. Unsurprisingly, all work related. At least on weekdays my parents message me. Sighs, forever alone.
My posts have been kind of whiny of late. Who am I kidding? Not of late, my blog is primarily me complaining. Should have called it whingersparty instead of introvertsparty. :D Anyway thought I would switch it up and talk about my materialistic tendencies. Over the year, I have seen/come across various items/services I want but haven’t really gotten anything because I figure I shouldn’t be a spoilt brat. I always ask myself, do I really need that or am I just feeding a want. I told myself I will get stuff for myself for my birthday. Especially a book I wanted. But I felt broke and didn’t in the end. So it’s been pushed into my Christmas/year end present to myself along with the other stuff. Here’s the extensive list of my 3 items.
1. The Book – Top Secret Twenty-One
If you one of those people that only read Tolstoy or Hemingway, don’t judge me. Or do, I don’t care. I have been reading the Stephanie Plum series for many years now and usually buy the latest installment as soon as it’s out. But this year I have put it off for a while. I love this series. It’s the perfect mix of genres I like, crime/mystery, humour and chic-lit. It’s not going to have you thinking deep and discussing philosophy or the meaning of life but the series is fun and I feel personally invested in the characters because I have been reading the books for such a long time. They always puts me in a good mood, so I highly recommended it if you like those genres I mentioned. FYI I have manged to get 4 of my friends hooked on these books too. The book should cost about $30ish bucks so I will probably get it. If not ask my sister to get it for me as a Christmas present. Her husband and son are Catholic and celebrate Christmas so I am getting them stuff, I assume I will get something in return. That’s how this Christmas thingy works right?
2. A Spa Day
I have been thinking about going to get a massage and/or facial. But those damn things are pricey. Probably cost about 150-200 bucks I am estimating. Should I really go have a Spa session? Is it really worth it. I think my face/skin could use a little (or a lot of) help but it’s not in any dire state. Let’s face facts though, I really wouldn’t mind the pampering. Serious needs versus wants argument going on in my head with this one. I don’t know if I will end up going for a facial but I am leaning towards yes. Maybe looking at my bank balance will push me all the way, the other way. :D
3. Getting Fresh
Damn Sephora. Those stores always have all these pretty things. One of my friend calls the chain evil, every time you walk in to an outlet you get this huge urge to spend money on something you absolutely don’t need. My spending urges are usually in check but I have been thinking about a few particular products after one of the saleswomen got my to try it. The Fresh Dare to Bare Lip Ritual.
You see I have sensitive lips. Must have gone around kissing too many boys when I was younger (in my dreams). I really liked how the Fresh Sugar Lip Polish. It made my lips feel so nice and smooth that I have been thinking about it since that day I was introduced to it. It’s pricey though, about 90 dollars I think. And I am not sure I am prepared to part with that much money (approximately 10-13 cups of coffee worth). Maybe some money will fall into my lap and I will get it. Or maybe it will go on sale for Christmas, lets wait and see.
I woke up today and told myself today would be a good day. It’s just past 8am now and things seem to already be going downhill. Got to tap into the reserves to survive without going crazy for the next 10 hours or so. Good luck to me.
There are these 2 feelings that when I go into emo mode, I find it hard to see the brightside of. One is jealousy, I get easily jealous sometimes of people. It’s usually quickly managed though and I know I am being irrational. This other one which hits me predominantly at night right before I go to bed, is a little harder to get rid off. Loneliness. It gets you at other times of the day to, but it’s difficult to get back into a positive place when it hits you at night. Which is probably why I am writing this post now.
It’s Sunday night, and I am back to the whole Monday blues syndrome. Work has got me really confused these days. It’s a high stress job. My teammates aren’t so great. It’s in an industry I never wanted to be in, logistics. It’s a job role that I told myself I will never go back into, account servicing. In fact the job role is far away from what I wanted/would like to be doing. If I stay in this place, i’ll be limiting my options to this company and maybe it’s competitors. But honestly it’s not a bad company/industry to limit my options to. And it pays a decent amount. That’s basically the biggest positive I can think of and hang on to. The money. Other than that, staying in this field/role will push me further away from what I would like to be doing. I wanted to be working in CSR which I knew wasn’t realistic, not in singapore anyway so I told myself I would look for branding or communications roles, but no one has offered me one. So here I am in logistics, not entirely sure what I am doing.
How, how do the people around me have if not everything, most things figured out when I constantly feel like a fish out of water? Yes I will admit to being risk averse and a little anti social which means I may not have any many doors open to me as an extroverted go-getter but I’m alright. I do work hard (I think). What am I doing wrong, there has to be something I am missing.