Thank you for being the first person to wish me a good birthday on Facebook. But may I just ask why? Why this year? Why not last year when I was physically in the same place as you. When you could have walked over to say happy birthday? We lived in the same hall, on the same floor. Being highly introverted, I hated socialising and small talk but I always made it a point to start a conversation with you. So no one can accuse me of not trying. I even mentioned you in my blog post. Twice. Unfortunately, you only started talking to me after graduation and most via Facebook because we are/were in 2 different continents. It’s okay though, no hard feelings, that’s just how the story of my life goes. Sighs. Have a good life.
Finally the 2 day weekend I have been waiting for. Going to get it started with a nice long walk tomorrow morning, got myself a few books, just need a steady stream of coffee and I am all good. Birthday month hasn’t been great lets hope this weekend changes that.
I told myself to hang on till August. I am always able to be find some way of being happy in August. It’s never failed me before. Until this year. I am consciously trying to stay positive but it doesn’t seem to be working.
I had to go into the office today, and the few people there who were also there we all asking, “You working today?”. I told them “No, I just love this cluttered, dusty, lizard infested excuse of an office that I have decided to live here”. Okay fine I didn’t exactly say that but that’s what I wanted to say. I mean obviously right I’m working? Why else would I be AT WORK? Idiots.
At this stage, I am a bit “late” to be posting about Robin Williams. But I still had to. I never was a super fan or anything but that does not mean I didn’t think he was brilliant. News of his death just adds to the sucky month and well year.
“There must be something wrong with the world, if the world can’t accommodate Robin Williams”. – Russell Brand. Something to think about isn’t it? How did we end up in a society where someone as amazingly talented, as Robin Williams felt like he needed an out. The amount of pain he must have been to give up at 63 when he had family and an established career among other things. The other thing, the basis of motivation for humanity is often attributed to hope. It’s hard though to feel hopeful though when you hear about the pain and suffering of a man that brought so much happiness to others decide to end his life. What a horrible world we live in. We really need to take stock of how broken we are as a human race and try to change. Do I have hope that that will happen? Nope, just look at the state of the world today, people killing and fighting each other pointlessly. I do have 1 hope though, that the legend of a man, Robin Williams, has finally found peace.
Yes i know, it’s not a newsflash that I have issues, but I think I have anger management issues. I keep getting urges to hit, trip or physically harm people. Or at the very least scream at them. This aggression/hostility is not towards everyone, just some idiots I see out and about. Mostly on the MRT (train/subway).
Like on the train yesterday. While I was squashed near the doors I spotted enough room in the middle of the carriage to do a waltz. Okay fine, that’s an exaggeration. But there was at least twice as much empty space in the middle of the carriage that me and the 4 people I was squashed up against were sharing. Why don’t people just move in? So I decided to fight through the mass of people and get myself in the middle in an attempt to get more breathing space and hopefully freeing a little space near the doors. I tried the polite way of asking people to move so that I can make why way to the middle. Didn’t work, because most people are more concerned about watching their favourite Korean drama or some other shit on their smartphones. I will admit I lost my patience a little after repeated attempts, an eventually bull-dozed my way to the middle of the train where there was more space. One lady who had noticed me doing that (she was seated by the way), shook her head at me. At ME. Like I was the bad guy. I wouldn’t have had to do that if everyone was just a little more considerate and moved in in the first place. I was so pissed I actually considered going up to her and sitting up her lap or falling on her by “accident” or something. I also thought of scratching, hitting or kicking her. At the very least wanted to ask her what her fucking problem was. If I had been PMS-ing I think I might have actually done that. Thankfully, I was still had some hint of rationale in me and decided to just let it go.
But why? Why are people idiots? I mean I am not perfect but I do make a conscious effect to be a decent human being and use some common sense. Isn’t that a reasonable expectation of everyone that is born human?
August is normally a happy month for me. It normally feels festive with National Day at the beginning of the month (though I am no longer very patriotic) and then my birthday at the end of the month. Just the fact that it was my birthday month usually keeps me pretty upbeat. And because my birthday is actually only in late August the feeling lasts till about the 1st week of September.
This year pretty much keeping in the theme of the rest of the year, August hasn’t been great. Firstly it started with me having terrible flu. And then there was National day. It fell on a Saturday, which mean I don’t really get a holiday because Saturdays are technically working days for me. Guess what? I had to work on National Day. It was only for a couple of hours but still. Why would you make me do something on a Public holiday. Most of the country will now be enjoying a holiday in lieu of national day being on a Saturday but not me. I am at work. Forget long weekend, I barely had a regular 2 day weekend.
There’s also my grandmother being in hospital. Normally if we take her to hospital they diagnose what’s wrong, she gets better and in about 2-3 days she’s home. This time, she’s been there about 3 weeks now. Basically the whole of August. The doctors can’t really tell what’s wrong with her, being in the final stages of Alzheimer’s, can’t communicate what she’s feeling. They suspect she had a minor stroke but they don’t know why she keeps getting a fever and is bleeding internally. At this stage we all just want her to stop suffering. As cruel as it sounds, it might be better if she stopped fighting and just passed on. But my grandmother has never been one to give up, so only god knows what will happen.
Which pretty much sums up my attitude towards life at the moment. God knows what will happen, I have given up on living, I am just basically existing.
My week has been so shitty, that I am at a point I really need a lot of help focusing on the positive. And I know the crap is going to continue into the weekend. I have work related stuff to do tomorrow despite it being a public holiday. And I am at the point I just want to be left alone to get my head back in the right place, but no I have to schmooze for work related reasons even on the weekend. It’s a struggle trying to make it in an extrovert’s world as an introvert.
For some reason, I am not religious, but the Serenity Prayer that my ex-boss had hung up in her office popped into my head.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Let’s hope I can keep calm just repeating that in my head. Though I like the version below better.
Sorry for the bad formatting, I am writing this on my phone. I just felt the urge to vent and because there isn’t anyone who I can go to and talk their ear off, I had to post.
You know how sometimes when you have a nightmare, you have some difficulty waking up from it? Like being in a bad situation (for me it’s mostly being chased by rabid wild animal) and you try to scream but you can’t and it takes a while before you wake up from it with your heart racing? (Okay I know I need to stop posting about my dreams, but just read on okay?) Well last night I had a dream where I was so shocked that I didn’t have any trouble waking up from it. I dreamt that a guy asked me out. Basically I was with a group of friends, this guy came over asked to speak to me privately, asked me out and I woke up. It’s was exactly 3.51am. I then had an internal laugh when I realised that the universe is starting to mock me even in my dreams. So that’s the test, if the universe is mocking you even in dreamland about your chronic singledom, you are “very single”.
On to the small talk bit. I really hate trivial small talk, yet I can’t escape it, stupid social norms. Small talk leads to awkwardness, hence adding to my social awkwardness factor, and that is why I hate small talk. Why can’t people just skip in and my happy with a smile? Like today when I was passing a colleague in the hallway, this happened
Colleague: You always look like you are very deep in thought. (I think he was hinting that I had “resting bitch face”).
Me: That’s probably because I always am.
Colleague: Laughs nervously and has a “that’s not the right answer, you weirdo” look on his face.
I thought my answer was reasonable but I guess it wasn’t. Why? Why try and fill that 2 seconds you are passing someone and potentially pave the way for awkwardness? Why can’t you be happy with the dazzling smile I flash you? If you really like to talk, lets sit down over lunch or coffee to discuss deeper subjects or the state of the world. I don’t want to talk about the weather unless it’s starts snowing in Singapore.
I logged into to Facebook and my news feed had 1 birth announcement, 1 post on an engagement, 1 post on my ex-collegemate and her new husband getting the keys to their new house, my other ex-collegemate’s various posts about his life in egypt – he was posted there for work, his wife’s post on how much he misses him, 2 ex-unimate’s Europe trip photos, 1 ex-unimate’s Africa trip photos, my other friends still in canberra enjoying life there and mostly posts on the success and wonderful life of everyone. Well to hell with them all (except the one who had the baby, she’s nice :p). I try compare my life to that of others and feel like a loser but damn Facebook makes it hard. They really need to come up with the single person option where your news feed doesn’t have any nauseating, lovey-dovey stuff.